I’m just waiting for it to burst—this bubble that I’ve found myself in lately. It feels so fragile and almost surreal. I wish I could put words to what’s happening inside me, but I don’t think it has settled yet. Perhaps it’s undescribable. But I’ll give it a try.
The first thing that comes to me is: peace. A deeply rooted feeling of peace that’s embracing my restless soul like a thin piece of shimmering fabric. I can’t yet distinguish what this feeling actually is. And I notice that I get anxious when I try to put words to it. Like the feeling I get from thinking about the infinity of the universe. Perhaps it’s just another layer that’s been peeled off and suddenly revealed even more of Me. If that’s the case, it’s no wonder I can’t explain it, because how could I ever explain my own existence? But to make it more tangible: I think I’ve finally loosed the grip around the controlling part of me who’s been in charge for as long as I can remember. The person who demands too much of herself, who believes she has to succeed and in order to do so needs to push things and work hard. She wants everything to happen NOW and doesn’t enjoy all the beautiful moments on the way.
That part of me has shaped my entire existence. Who am I without her? What does life look like behind this veil? A new reality suddenly emerges. This is so big and I don’t know if I dare to believe it yet. Could it really be that this part of me has finally been so clearly crystalized that I have the opportunity to look past her? Just let her be without letting her take over?
The thought of her makes me giggle. She’s standing there in the distance, screaming for attention. “Hey, shape up, Elinor! What are you doing? You’re moving too slow. You won’t get anywhere if you don’t work for it!”. Waving her arms in the air.
And I guess that’s true to some extent. I’m still battling that inner voice and those words, but I find it easier to just walk away from it now because it’s somehow not as obvious anymore.
The deeply rooted feeling of having to acheive things is slowly fading away. Who do I have to prove myself for? And do these people really matter? Do I really want to waste my time and energy on trying to please people who don’t value me for who I am—no matter what I do with my life? The answer is simple, of course. But to reach that insight is harder. That’s why I don’t dare to trust this feeling of peace. Am I just trying to escape my responsibilities? Because lately, I just haven’t felt like I have to plan or work, study, read or strive. I’ve just enjoyed being. Sometimes, I get a whim to sit down and apply for some jobs, to write something for the blog or think about the future. But it comes from a feeling of actually wanting to do it, not from a responsibility or demand.
Slowly but surely I’m changing my idea of what I “have” to do to be productive. Reevaluating. Could it be that I’ve changed focus from the outer journey to the inner? The slower and more subtle evergoing journey that isn’t valued equally and which goals aren’t celebrated as often? Just think about all the internal progress I make every day! The most important progression happens inside, but it often goes unnoticed because it doesn’t count as much. It can’t be put on a to-do-list to be crossed off at the end of the day. It has its own pace. And on this journey, every moment matters. Every thought, emotion and experience interact to create my reality. Like a network of experiences within the frame of time and space. Or perhaps not within… more in cooperation. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say—it just came to me. I think what I mean is that the inner journey isn’t as tangible, but on that journey, every moment counts.
Ok, this is getting too abstract. Back to that feeling: peace. Like I wrote, I don’t dare to celebrate or even believe that it’s true yet. I think I have to take one day at a time. But yesterday evening, I got this feeling that something big inside me had changed. For every peeled layer, I get more peaceful, more calm. For every decision that’s grounded in my heart’s desires, I can loosen the grip around that controlling person I used to be. When my inner self is let out it overshadows everything else. That much I know.
A big part of it has had to do with letting my inner child out. My playfulness. To let out the part of me that doesn’t take things too seriously. She who gets whimsy ideas and sometimes blurt out weird and unexpected things that make no sense and sometimes doesn’t sound too smart, but who cares? She who sings and whistles in the stairwell when she’s happy without caring about what the neighbours think. She who talks to strangers because she’s curious about who they are—about their story. She who refurbishes her apartment to make it fit her needs, not the norms. She who loves to crawl on the floor, roll around in the grass, hug trees, and scream from mountaintops. She who decided to only eat fruit because it makes her feel good—and because she is an adult after all who knows what she needs. She who quit her job because it didn’t make her feel good and decided to paint a picture instead of worrying about the future. She who prefers to wear comfortable clothes that let her move and breathe freely, and who laughs at herself because those outfits sometimes looks silly. She who dances without limitations despite people watching her. She who let all her emotions out. She who cries when she’s sad and laughs loudly when she’s happy.
Oh, that person makes me warm inside! That creature is so full of life—free from the society’s chains. Perhaps this isn’t a fragile bubble after all. Perhaps I’ve actually moved past something that big. No wonder I’ve needed some days for myself—to get to know this new person who suddenly appeared.
I realize that I have Tina (my therapist) to thank for many of these insights. She helped me put my finger on what’s holding me back. Thanks to her support, I’ve dared to let my guard down and be more of myself. She has asked me important questions that have made me rethink and reconsider the answers I sometimes give her without even asking myself if that’s my truth. Is this actually what I think, or is it what someone else wants me to believe?
I still feel a slight uncertainty around this newfound feeling. I have to carefully explore this new person and her reality—because it looks drastically different from the one I’m used to. Now: breakfast and continue to clear out my wardrobe.